truthurts
Hi, My name is Cate. Not really.
OB today
I meet with her again today. I had semi-decided that I was going to keep my child and as soon as my mom and her husband and I had a discussion about it my OB called to say that she has a perfect family. Really? That is so difficult. As soon as I think I have my mind made up this happens. I am sticking with my plan of keeping her but I took the families number down so if I change my mind or if anything happens I can still see about adoption. It has just been rough for the past couple of weeks.
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Found a family and then lost them
Tags: 
adoption
adoptionI am trying to do the right thing for my child. I found a family that I thought I liked. They sent me a long letter telling me about themselves and other things. Like they adopted a little girl 4 months ago and they want to raise them like twins though they would be 6 months apart. She is an attorney and he is a state trooper. I hae a ccouple issues with them. I want an open adoption, you know like photos and a letter from the parents once a year. They claim that they are okay with it but then they sent an email to my mom saying how hard it would be for their other daughter that I want contact and her birth mother doesn't. They said it would be "unfair". What about me, that would be unfair for me. I am not okay with that. I could handle the christian thing because it would be brought up in a loving home. I am afraid to keep the kids "equal" that she would make them both think that they were unwanted by their mothers. She doesn't want me to hold it, she says since the first 3 days are the most important it would be best for me to have no contact with the child. At all. I need some sort of closure and not allowing me to have that would not allow me to feel right, normal I should say. What I need is a family that isn't worried about money, (Paying for the birth is what the adoptive family is supposed to do), and isn't going to treat me like some giant loser. I just want to be able to say be to my kid. They had also mentioned me signing off custody before she is born so that I won't be able to change my mind. I may change my mind, I don't know if I will, obviously but a little respect is always nice.
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Still confused yet less sad
I had a bummer of a few days. Little depressed about what choices that I have to make. The part that is hardest for me is that this child has been a major change for me. The best direction for change. The path I was on before, unbearable. To look at me now I am a whole different person. I am worried that by giving this child up I will give up my will to keep the change. I don't want to go back to the way I was. Keeping it will always be a reminder. At the same time, it will be a reminder of what I am missing out on. Life is odd. I only wish that I didn't have to make this decision.
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Met with my obgyn today
Everything is fine, I am at 28 weeks and she has a very strong heartbeat. Sounded better than mine! I am still confused on what to do. I talked to my mom for a bit today about it and amazingly she also said I have the choice of raising this child with them helping me. This may sound odd but I don't think that is the best option. It now costs a quarter of a million dollars to raise one child from birth to eighteen. That is not including college or other things. I also find myself thinking about Caylee Anthony and if she had been placed up for adoption she would still be alive. I am not saying that I am such a horrible person that I would somehow kill my child, but its a thought I can't get out of my head. I am getting little pressure from my mom about this, so the adoption or keeping it is fully my decision. I am rambling now. I have a friend coming to visit me from Arizona, she is the same one that has cancer and has to have parts of her uterus removed. Or something like that. We were not the greatest friends in high school but we are bonding over our issues. What I find tough is how badly J and her husband want a child and she can't. And how badly I shouldn't have had a child but I am about to. I wish it were switched. We would both be happy. Mostly...
Adoption or no
I now don't know if I should put my child up for adoption. I only have till March to decide and deciding is stressing me out.
Here are the options,
1. I place the child with a family that I have never met with no contact allowed
2. Place the child with a family that I do know, and they would allow my parents to be in its life
3. Give the child to my parents, who have been wanting a child but not an infant, my parents refer to my mother and stepfather
The downside is
1. My parents won't be able to know their grandchild and thats something that they always talk about
2. It will be incredibly tough on me to see the child raised by other people and to know my parents but not me
3. It will limit the help that they will give me, like paying for my schooling, not being a snob but they make so much money I don't think I can get financial aid. Also, they won't allow my other side of the family even pictures of her. Which would be hard for me and hard for them
I need help in deciding since I can't and all anyone says to me is its my decision, I can't even shop for a pair of shoes in under a month. Seriously I only own 3 pairs of shoes. I asked one friend and told her that I am scared of making the wrong decision and you know what she said,
"In this case, there is no wrong decision."
Why won't anyone just help me
Here are the options,
1. I place the child with a family that I have never met with no contact allowed
2. Place the child with a family that I do know, and they would allow my parents to be in its life
3. Give the child to my parents, who have been wanting a child but not an infant, my parents refer to my mother and stepfather
The downside is
1. My parents won't be able to know their grandchild and thats something that they always talk about
2. It will be incredibly tough on me to see the child raised by other people and to know my parents but not me
3. It will limit the help that they will give me, like paying for my schooling, not being a snob but they make so much money I don't think I can get financial aid. Also, they won't allow my other side of the family even pictures of her. Which would be hard for me and hard for them
I need help in deciding since I can't and all anyone says to me is its my decision, I can't even shop for a pair of shoes in under a month. Seriously I only own 3 pairs of shoes. I asked one friend and told her that I am scared of making the wrong decision and you know what she said,
"In this case, there is no wrong decision."
Why won't anyone just help me
Been awhile
It has been a month since I last wrote. I just have not felt like I had anything to say. I had plenty going on. My friends came and visited. I found out that they annoy me. We just grew apart and I should have known it. They randomly break into this retarded voice with each other and they will continue with it for like 10 minutes before they would finally quit. It was so damn irritating to have them here. I thought that it was going to be fun and in the beginning it was. It just took 1 day for me to know that I will never be able to be real friends with them again. My friend J just found out that she has ovarian cancer and has an appointment on the 2nd to remove her ovaries. Its hard for her cause she wants to be a mother so bad. Her husband is stationed in South Korea and he really wants kids. She just texted me that she wants to take a road trip in January to Oregon to visit friends, the same ones that I was just raging on. I would love to just to get away from my mother. She is getting sinister, my mother. She is watching me like a hawk now. She is worried that I will go into labor at anytime. I'm not due till the 21st of March either. I met my cousins girlfriend back in Nebraska and she is due one day before me and her belly is twice as big as mine. You can't even tell them I am other then that small little bump under my shirts. What gives, why am I not big bellied. My cousin got back from Iraq about a year ago and he has this weird twitch thing that attacks his whole left side into a spasm. He told me that on brain scans they can see his all his movements but when his spasm comes nothing shows up on his brainwave. Crazy right? House would solve it.
I also met the people that want to adopt my child. They were nice but I don't know if I want them raising my child. They were really boring and spent time talking about things that I could care less about. Not weird for most people but I find it awkward when the woman drives and she drove the whole time because he doesn't know how to drive a stick-shift. How does he NOT know how to drive a stick shift. They want a boy too. They told me that they only have boy names picked out. They want it to be a surprise, so I couldn't tell them that I am actually having a girl. They also dropped the adoptive agency that I was using because the company wanted to charge them an extra 4 thousand. They are not the richest people ever but I have kept the costs down for them as much as I could. I dropped my agency and now they want to use private attorneys. Are they that stingy that they don't want to pay more money. They are not even paying my medical bills from it, not sure if my medicaid will cover it, I am paying for my own counseling, which I only go to like once a month so its not that huge of a deal. They did give me 300 for clothing but that barely got me enough for more then a few items. Also, I read they should be giving me more reimbursement for what I am going through. I think I am being greedy though. This may seem odd but they are church lovers and they are republicans which I think I could deal with, but I want this kid to be able to think for herself and not what people are pushing down her throat.
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her
My sister sent this to me on Facebook.
U want 2talk bout selfish wut r u doing pawning off yur child so u dont hv 2 take care of it now thats avoiding responsibility... theres alot of single moms out there...better life 4 the baby u aint lookin out 4 the baby...u said God hates u n u hv only talked bad bout yur situation. I have always wanted to find my bio mother i am always going to feel like a piece of me is missing...ive looked her up many times im jus too scared to actually maybe one day b in her presence.
I cried. I can't remember if I mentioned on here that she is adopted. We have been sisters since we were 4. Am I overreacting. I didn't think that I was pawning it off. I thought I was giving it a better life. I am still going ahead with the adoption but I sent her a reply back.
You got what you wanted. I cried. You have no idea how much I hate myself and having your issues thrown into my face won't do shit. It is better for the child to have parents. Its an open adoption. That means that they will allow the child to see me if it wants to. Every time I don't do something your way you throw a pissy fit. Remember when you asked me to buy you and IPOD and you would pay me when I got back. I didn't want to and you told me to get thrown through a windshield. That you hoped I would die. Personally you are a bit of a narcissist and once you realize that you can, hopefully, move on with your life. I'm done. I am pissed. I am in tears. I love you to death but until you behave like someone who treats me with respect I can't deal with you. You are so lucky I never told Brook about what happened in Ord, and I never will. I didn't talk to anyone about the shit you tried to pull with me. That was a way for me to vent my anger and now everyone keeps asking me what happened because of what you wrote. Leave me alone and to you the same.
Love,
Caitlynn
I just hurt to much to try to remain friends.
U want 2talk bout selfish wut r u doing pawning off yur child so u dont hv 2 take care of it now thats avoiding responsibility... theres alot of single moms out there...better life 4 the baby u aint lookin out 4 the baby...u said God hates u n u hv only talked bad bout yur situation. I have always wanted to find my bio mother i am always going to feel like a piece of me is missing...ive looked her up many times im jus too scared to actually maybe one day b in her presence.
I cried. I can't remember if I mentioned on here that she is adopted. We have been sisters since we were 4. Am I overreacting. I didn't think that I was pawning it off. I thought I was giving it a better life. I am still going ahead with the adoption but I sent her a reply back.
You got what you wanted. I cried. You have no idea how much I hate myself and having your issues thrown into my face won't do shit. It is better for the child to have parents. Its an open adoption. That means that they will allow the child to see me if it wants to. Every time I don't do something your way you throw a pissy fit. Remember when you asked me to buy you and IPOD and you would pay me when I got back. I didn't want to and you told me to get thrown through a windshield. That you hoped I would die. Personally you are a bit of a narcissist and once you realize that you can, hopefully, move on with your life. I'm done. I am pissed. I am in tears. I love you to death but until you behave like someone who treats me with respect I can't deal with you. You are so lucky I never told Brook about what happened in Ord, and I never will. I didn't talk to anyone about the shit you tried to pull with me. That was a way for me to vent my anger and now everyone keeps asking me what happened because of what you wrote. Leave me alone and to you the same.
Love,
Caitlynn
I just hurt to much to try to remain friends.
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My Dog Samson
Just found out that he has a tumor on his heart or fungus in his lungs. Either way he is dying. They told us that its going to happen very soon. There is nothing that they can do for either.
I also meet with the baby doc today. I am to depressed to go.
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